If your couples therapist seems to take sides, you can ask them to explain what they are noticing and how both partners’ concerns will be heard. Agreement with one point does not automatically mean favoritism. Repeated dismissal, unexplained assumptions, or an inability to discuss your concern deserve closer attention.
You may arrive hoping a professional will finally confirm that your complaint makes sense. Then the therapist asks about your own behavior, and the appointment feels very different from what you expected. Or you may be trying to describe something serious while the conversation keeps returning to your tone. Those experiences need different responses.
This guide focuses on fairness and accountability during couples sessions. It offers general educational information, not an assessment of your therapist or a substitute for individual professional advice.
Ask for understanding rather than a verdict
You can ask a therapist to recognize harm, clarify a disagreement, or help your partner understand your experience. Asking them to declare one person right about the whole relationship is less useful. A ruling does not explain what needs to change at home.
Try a specific request: “When our plans change without discussion, I feel that my time does not count. Can you help us talk about that impact?” This gives the clinician something to explore without requiring them to endorse every conclusion you have drawn.
In Empathi’s discussion of therapists taking sides, couples therapist Figs O’Sullivan describes how sessions can become arguments about who is to blame. His clinical perspective is a useful prompt for discussing the process; it cannot establish whether a particular clinician is biased.
Distinguish accountability from favoritism
A therapist can disagree with you and still treat you fairly. They might interrupt insults, ask someone to stop answering for their partner, or question a description that leaves out an important detail. You should be able to ask what prompted the intervention.
Imagine that you raise your voice after feeling ignored. The therapist asks you to lower it. That request may be appropriate, but it need not end the discussion about being ignored. You can acknowledge your volume and ask to return to the original concern.
A possible response is: “I can speak more quietly. I also want help with what happened before I got loud. Will we come back to that?” Accountability for your behavior and attention to your experience can happen in the same session.
Fair attention does not mean equal blame
Partners do not need identical amounts of correction or precisely equal speaking time in every appointment. One person may need more time to describe an event. A clinician may spend longer interrupting a behavior that is happening repeatedly.
Still, each person should have a meaningful opportunity to contribute. Notice whether the therapist checks their understanding, corrects mistaken assumptions, and makes room for information that does not fit their first impression. Fairness includes being willing to reconsider.
Be cautious about using “both sides” to explain away intimidation or coercion. Someone who is threatened or controlled is not responsible for making the other person’s abuse stop. A therapist should assess safety rather than assume every problem is an equal contribution.
Describe the moment that left you feeling unheard
A concrete example makes it easier to examine what happened. Instead of “You always agree with my partner,” try: “When I started explaining the argument, you asked me to listen. We did not return to my account before the session ended.”
Then name the effect: “I left uncertain whether you understood why I was upset.” You do not have to prove intent. A therapist can respond to the impact even if they remember the exchange differently.
If speaking in the room is difficult, a short written reminder may help. Our guide to bringing notes to couples therapy explains how to keep your concern brief enough to discuss without turning it into a case against your partner.
Ask how the therapist is making sense of the session
You do not need to know clinical terminology to ask about the approach. Ask what the therapist is trying to understand and how their intervention relates to the goals you agreed on.
- “What did you hear me say, and what do you think I meant?”
- “Are you agreeing with that specific point, or making a broader judgment about our relationship?”
- “How will you help us return to concerns that get interrupted?”
- “What would make you reconsider your understanding of this pattern?”
The answers may reveal a misunderstanding that can be corrected. They may also show that you and the clinician have different expectations about treatment. Neither result requires an immediate decision while emotions are high.
If you feel supported, resist using the session as ammunition
Hearing a therapist recognize your pain can be a relief. It can also be tempting to tell your partner, “Even the therapist says you are wrong.” That turns a particular observation into an authority claim that your partner cannot easily answer.
Try keeping the focus on the actual request: “I want us to follow through on the agreement we discussed.” If you are uncertain what the clinician meant, ask together at the next appointment rather than quoting your preferred interpretation as a final ruling.
You can also say, “I felt understood today, and I noticed that you seemed left out. Can we raise that?” This does not require withdrawing a valid concern or accepting responsibility for someone else’s harmful choices.
Agree on a change you can notice
When it is safe to continue, ask for a specific adjustment. Perhaps the therapist can check that each partner has finished before moving on, summarize both accounts, or keep a visible list of topics to revisit. The adjustment should address the problem you named.
For example: “Could you check with me before we close this topic? I sometimes need a moment to find the words.” Your partner may need a different accommodation. The aim is participation, not a stopwatch contest.
At the next review, discuss whether the change helped. Our article on reviewing couples therapy progress offers ways to assess treatment without making your partner’s performance the only measure.
Pay attention to the response to feedback
A therapist may need to explain their reasoning or acknowledge that they missed something. They cannot promise never to upset either partner. They can make room for questions without mocking you or treating disagreement as proof that you are the problem.
Repeated stereotyping, humiliation, or pressure to accept a conclusion you do not understand warrants outside professional advice. If a possible ethical concern is involved, you can consult the clinician’s licensing board about the applicable complaint process. Requirements depend on the profession and location.
If trust cannot be restored, you may decide to seek another provider. Our guide to changing couples therapists addresses that transition. You do not have to keep attending simply to demonstrate that you are trying hard enough.
When safety changes the conversation
If you fear retaliation for speaking honestly, do not use this article as a script for confronting your partner in a joint session. Threats, stalking, sexual coercion, and control over money or movement call for individualized safety support. Joint counseling may be inappropriate in an abusive relationship.
If safe, ask the practice how to raise a safety concern privately and what confidentiality limits apply before disclosing details. Our article on confidentiality in couples therapy explains why you should not assume a separate message will remain secret from your partner.
In the United States, the National Domestic Violence Hotline offers support at 800-799-7233 or by texting START to 88788. Use a safer device if yours may be monitored. If you face immediate danger, contact emergency services when it is safe to do so. Outside the United States, seek a local domestic abuse service.
Questions couples ask about a therapist taking sides
Can a couples therapist say that one partner’s behavior is wrong?
Yes. Identifying harmful behavior is different from deciding that one person is responsible for every difficulty in the relationship. You can ask the clinician to explain the specific behavior and what they recommend doing differently.
Does feeling challenged mean the therapist is biased?
No. A difficult question can feel uncomfortable without being unfair. Look at the context and whether you can discuss your concern. Persistent dismissal should not be brushed aside merely because therapy can be challenging.
Should I contact the therapist without telling my partner?
Ask about the practice’s policy for individual contact and confidentiality first. If there is a safety concern, use a safe channel to ask how it can be addressed. Do not assume a private email is confidential within joint treatment.
What if my partner refuses to discuss the concern?
You can still describe your own experience to the therapist and ask about options. You cannot make your partner agree with your interpretation. If participation feels unsafe or trust has broken down, seek individual professional guidance about what to do next.
Bring the process into the conversation
If it feels safe, open your next appointment with the moment you want help understanding: “I left feeling unheard when we moved past my account. Can we look at what happened?” The therapist’s response gives you more information about whether the work can become useful for both of you.
